What's that wet stuff falling from the sky?

Office messenger: I hope I can make it home before the rain tonight.

Office moron #1: It's gonna rain? Oh my God!

Me: How is it that you're always surprised when you hear that it's gonna rain? Don't you check the weather forecast in the morning? They said it was gonna rain.

Office moron #1: I know they said there would be rain. I just didn't think it would really rain.

Me (internal dialog): Yes, of course. Those meteorologists have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, so they just make up some random shit in order to make thousands of people tote around umbrellas that they will never use. In the future, I will be sure to consult you before I leave the house so that I can know what the real weather is going to be.

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D. I. Y. dinner for the 1%

A few months ago, I noticed a very intriguing sign in a storefront window of an establishment under construction. The shop was to be called 'The Walk-In Cookbook'. Needless to say, my curiosity was peaked, but I resisted the urge to research the hell out of the topic and decided to wait until opening day to find out what it was all about. Today, my patience was rewarded as I sauntered into the newly-opened establishment to take a look around. The Walk In Kitchen, it appears, is kind of like an Ikea for cooking. There are brightly colored posters that feature photographs of meals, accompanied by ingredient lists and the cost of said ingredients in 2 and 4 serving iterations. There are also recipe cards, which double as shopping lists as you make your way around the store selecting from the attractively displayed produce and other food items. The layout resembles a professional kitchen, and you kind of get the feeling that a cooking class is going to start up at any minut...

The Phantom Debt

A couple of months ago, with the help and support of someone very dear to me, I became, for the first time in about 10 years, entirely debt-free. Of course, there should be high-fives and abundant celebratory toasts at this momentous occasion. But instead of being at peace, and revelling in my new found financial freedom, I seem to have become downright terrified of spending money. I can only compare this to the phenomenon that many amputees claim to have experienced, a sensation that the missing limb is actually still there! I still feel the weight of the appendage that I carried for over a decade. In fact, I've found myself checking my credit-card balance several times a week, each time believing that my burden would suddenly re-appear, and each time finding the balance at zero, and each time being strangely disappointed that there was no balance due. And I've taken to wringing my hands in anxiety over the 'extra' money in my bank account at the end of the month. Was...

They say ignorance is bliss.

And it WAS, for a while, but sooner or later, reality was bound smack me in the head (or a more southerly body part, in this case). The results of my follow-up exam are abnormal. So, in three weeks, I must submit to a colposcopy. For those who want extensive, clinical details about this procedure, click here . For those who do not, let's just say the doctor's going to poke around in my hoo-hah for a few minutes to see what the hell is going on down there. It's NOT cancer, they told me, but they need to see if it's anything of concern. So I'm just gonna chill, and put this out of my mind until the time comes. Yeah, right!

cooking in my underwear

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