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The Phantom Debt

A couple of months ago, with the help and support of someone very dear to me, I became, for the first time in about 10 years, entirely debt-free.

Of course, there should be high-fives and abundant celebratory toasts at this momentous occasion. But instead of being at peace, and revelling in my new found financial freedom, I seem to have become downright terrified of spending money.

I can only compare this to the phenomenon that many amputees claim to have experienced, a sensation that the missing limb is actually still there! I still feel the weight of the appendage that I carried for over a decade. In fact, I've found myself checking my credit-card balance several times a week, each time believing that my burden would suddenly re-appear, and each time finding the balance at zero, and each time being strangely disappointed that there was no balance due. And I've taken to wringing my hands in anxiety over the 'extra' money in my bank account at the end of the month. Was there a bill I forgot to pay? A check that hasn't been cashed? Surely there must be something I've missed!

In the weeks leading up to my liberation, I made a very modest list of items that I planned to buy (with cash) when I finally reached my goal. But to this day, not a single item on the list has been acquired. I feel as if the slightest indulgence will send me spiraling into a sticky pit of finance charges and ever growing balances. I know this won't actually happen, but I can't seem to behave in a rational manner when it comes to spending money.

And why does this insanity not manifest itself at the supermarket, or the drugstore? I won't scramble to find the cheapest brand of cereal or toothpaste if the one I prefer is more expensive. But I'll be walking down the street in a pair of sandals that are about to fall apart, stop at the window of one of the many neighborhood shoe stores, stare longingly at the wonderfully colourful offerings on display, then just continue walking along - or rather, shuffling along - as if nothing had happened.

I know I'm going to crack sooner or later. Summer is just around the corner. The dresses are to-die-for, the sunglasses are Jackie-O-fabulous and don't even get me started on the handbags! But I think the splinter of ten years of debt is too deeply imbedded in my psyche to be shaken loose by a flashy pair of shoes. I'm very confident that I will be able to spend within reason, if and when I finally get started. Because even though I'm still feeling my phantom appendage, the joy of being debt-free is beginning to grow on me.

Comments

Atasha said…
Oh my word I can totally relate. I so know the feeling. I remember when I had finally finished paying off my very first car note and a few credit card bills.

I know it's strange but I was actually scared during the month around the time when the bills would be due. I would forget and panic thinking I somehow missed the bill especially the car note. I'd be looking things over repeatedly just to make sure. It's madness but man , that freedom, it's great.

And congrats on being debt free.

There aren't many that can actually say that.
Anonymous said…
Congrats! *gold star*
Don't worry, the weirdness will pass and you'll be able to shop (within reason of course) again. When you do, I'll take a cute sundress in size 8 :-)
Girl I know the feeling I will be completely debt free at the end of July (yay!!) and like you after I did my budget for the rest of the year I am only thinking of SAVING and not splurging....steups! I am not so bad though I will spend on shoes :D
Congrats,

I came upon this article a few years ago and it was really helpful in getting my money matters in order. The best thing is you don't have to think about your spending anymore. If its in your account spend it, if its not you don't

Please check it out and let me know
what you think

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/LearnToBudget/ASimplerWayToSaveThe60Solution.aspx
http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/LearnToBudget/ASimplerWayToSaveThe60Solution.aspx

I don't think the entire link fit.

You can google the 60% solution if it doesn't work
Test said…
trini-in-toronto, thanks very much for that link.

I actually remember reading this article , or something very similar, a few years ago. I tried to apply it to my situation, but I was way too over-extended at the time to make it work.

I think the 60% solution is an excellent way of preventing large debt accumulation, but once the damage is done, it might not be very effective.

But now that I can actually start saving money, I will certainly consider this plan again. It makes a lot of sense, and it's not very hard to follow, even if I have to tweak it a little bit to suit my needs.

Great advice!

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